Zoey

Revelation

Zoey — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 01:17:24 +0000

Today, as I listened to my sister pour her heart out to me and ask me if she is praying wrong or doing something wrong that God is not answering her prayer. Of course I told her no and then I felt like I was lying to her. Lying about God’s promises as if God doesn’t hear or doesn’t care which is a lie straight from the pit of hell.

I came home and I was angry. Everyone seems to be going through something. Lucas has barely spoken to me since Saturday for some stupid incident in which he feels whatever (don’t know since he is not speaking to me). I had to really go before God and you know what, I got a revelation. For six years I spent my life trying to make someone else happy. Trying to change someone into a better person and what did it get me NOTHING. For the last three, almost four years, I have done the same thing with Lucas and what has it gotten me NOTHING. My happiness is not contingent on how they feel. Everyday God gives me another opportunity to find joy the joy that he promised me and every day I fail. I fail because I take up everyone’s offenses. I get angry about things that only God can change instead of finding the joy of being alive, being able to walk, being able to breath. My happiness is not dependent on anyone but myself. If I want to be happy then it is my job to make myself happy. I can’t rely on anyone. I knew that but I never understood the depth of it.

Lucas will be Lucas until God transforms him. The church will be the church until God transforms it. Haters will be haters until God transforms them. And you know what I realized. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t walk around offended or hurt any more. That is not what God called me for. For most of my life I have told myself that it has to get better and I am still waiting. But what if what I am waiting for has been waiting for me?

When I was younger and just wanted to die I kept telling myself that it was going to get better and I kept waiting and here I am at 32 still waiting. There is something wrong with that picture. The joy of the Lord is my strength and it is available to me each and every day.

HI All

Zoey — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:21:29 +0000

Wow It’s been that long? Almost a year without writing. I wish I would have kept writing then I wouldn’t have to try to backtrack everything that has happened. I’m still with Lucas. We are almost on three years. I’m still a work in progress. I’m still in school. I’m almost finished. I will be finished in April 2010. Still at the same job. Oh and Christopher called me at some point between Friday and Sunday of last week. He got some mail for me and wanted me to know he was mailing it to the office. It’s ok. I got annoyed but I’m good. Getting ready for the holidays. Wow I still can’t believe it took me so long to write. The problem is that I am lazy. I have to update everything. I will try to be better about it.

Text Update

Zoey — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:38:53 +0000

Christopher: Min of ten days for close out letter 7/2/08 11:34 AM

Me: Okay 7/2/08 11:35 AM

Loan Update

Zoey — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:16:14 +0000

I already told you guys that I paid my share of the loan. I have been on the phone with the bank every two days since last Thursday trying to find out if he paid his share of the loan. I have not heard from him and I assumed it was paid. I called the bank today and they tell me that the loan still has not been paid. I texted him:

Me: Did you pay the loan 7/2/08 10:05 AM

Christopher:My mom did just waiting for the close out printout 7/2/08 10:06 AM

Me: Okay thanks 7/2/08 10:06 AM

Do I assume he is lying or do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Should I wait until Friday and call the bank again?

I really don’t think he would be looking to do anything stupid but with him you never know. I will keep you posted and keep on documenting dates and times of any text messages just in case. I know that he paid the July payment on 6/25 for $565.22 because I called the bank yesterday and they told me the balance was $4,983.93. I will keep you posted.

Surprise Surprise

Zoey — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:40:50 +0000

So last I told you Christopher was supposed to pay his half of the loan on Tuesday and I was going to pay my half on Thursday. I called the bank on Thursday and they told em that it takes two days for the info to be encrypted in their system so that if he made a payment on Tuesday it would not reflect til Friday. I went and payed my half and texted him when I left the bank:

Me: Payment made $6,121.01. They said it takes two days for payments to show on the system. Will fax u receipt tomorrow 6:14 PM 6/26/08

Christopher: Okay I will go on Monday to make final payment. Thanks. 6:16 PM 2/26/08

Me: No problem just text me fax number I will send as soon as I get in tomorrow 6:17 PM 6/26/08

Christopher: (xxx) xxx-xxxx 6:18 PM 6/26/08

Me: Thanks 6:19 PM 6/26/08

As you can see he did not keep his word and did not pay his half on Tuesday. Surprise surprise. I did not go to work today as I woke up at 4:35 AM because I was having an allergic reaction to something and my lip was swollen. I scanned the receipt and e-mailed it to Peg with the number and asked her to fax it for me which she did. I did not hear anything back. So I texted him yet again:

Me: Did you get the fax 12:24 PM 6/27/08

Christopher: Yes 12:25 PM 6/27/08

Me: Ok 12:25 PM 6/27/08

I hope that he is not trying to play any games. I’m hoping that he just wanted to be sure I payed my half before he pays his especially since I am just the co-signer. Hopefully he will pay his half on Monday and I don’t ever ever ever ever have to hear from him or about him again. Will keep you posted. He texted me last week to tell me that again that he would pick up the satisfaction note and would send it to me. I had already told him okay. I was praying that I did not open any doors that would give him the impression that he now has the right to contact me or to start harassing me again. Hopefully he will pay his share. I’m sure he would not want to mess up his credit but since he has never been a man of his word it is hard to guess what he is up to. At this point I can’t say that I care. I have bigger and better things to think about. The only reason I am keeping track of the messages is to cover my own ass.

Christopher Update

Zoey — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:02:16 +0000

It’s been a long time. Way too long. I really need to keep my page up to date but with school and work and church it’s becoming really hard. I wanted to make a note that yesterday I contacted Christopher. No I didn’t want to talk to him. I went to make the loan payment and when I asked for the last payment date they gave me a date of April 25 and I thought that he had skipped a payment so I sent him a text message and asked him if he missed the May payment. Then I called the bank and realized that he did not miss a payment he just paid it early so I sent him another text message and told him that it was my mistake. Here is the discussion:

Me: U didn’t pay the loan in May 6:16 PM 6/19/08

Me: Never mind my mistake 6:41 PM 6/19/08

Christopher: I always pay my share. In fact July went out today. I want to pay off the loan. But I need to know if you can handle either a payoff or take over the payments” 6:43 PM 6/19/08

Me: That will work out just let me know when u do it and I’ll go pay off my share 6:49 PM 6/19/08

Christopher: Good I will do to HSBC tomorrow and get payoff amount 6:50 PM 6/19/08

Me: Okay 6:51 PM 6/19/08

Christopher: Amount is $12,242.03. Your half is $6,121.01. Must be paid by June 30^th 10:06 AM 6/20/08

Me: Okay will pay next Thursday 10:07 AM 6/20/08

Christopher: Ok mine will be paid by Tuesday 10:09 AM 6/20/08

Me: Cool 10:10 AM 6/20/08

Christopher: R U bringing it directly to the bank or mailing it 10:11 AM 6/20/08

Me: No I’m gonna take it to bank. The bank is open late on Thursdays that’s why I said Thursday 10:13 AM 6/20/08

Christopher: Ok 10:13 AM 6/20/08

Christopher: After it is paid off I will get a copy of the satisfaction and send it to u 10:15 AM 6/20/08

Me: Ok 10:15 AM 6/20/08

I think we did pretty good. I was tempted to ask about Boobie but I didn’t. The less I know the better although I miss him. I will keep you posted as to what goes down next week. I verified with the bank the payoff amounts so I know he is telling the truth. Lucas is going to lend me the money to pay off the loan and then I just pay him back and I never ever have to have any interaction with Christopher again and we can close that chapter in my life once and for all. As for me and Lucas…….his son is coming for 5 weeks next week. Lets see how that goes. I know that God does not give you more than you can handle but I think sometimes he does so he can get some comedic relief.

Oh and Lucas bought me a violin. Her name is Saraphine and she is sexy. I still have not learned how to play but I am going to go register for classes today so we shall see how that goes too. So far I’m doing really good in school. I’ve managed to get all A’s so far.

Dreams

Zoey — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 15:26:39 +0000

I’ve been dreaming about Christopher again. I wish I could say they were normal dreams but they are not. I’ve been dreaming about him for the past three or four days that I can remember. I dream about him on and off but never three or four days in a row. I was dreaming about the house the other day. That he was taking my stuff out and wanted me to come get whatever stuff I had left like the furniture and picture frames and stuff. Last night I was dreaming he was trying to talk to me and I just blew him off. I don’t remember what else I’ve been dreaming. I think something that had to do with him and the dog. Peg asked me if it is because his birthday is sometime in the beginning of April but I don’t even remember the date so I don’t think it’s that. Today I got a call from a private number at 10:21 AM. I picked up but I didn’t hear anything. I hung up eventually after saying hello, hello for a few times. We shall see. I went to see one of my friends from my old job the other day. She told me that she sees him sometimes and that he is the type that you don’t have to ask him anything because he is always ready to talk. She said he told her he found a wonderful woman and he is sooo happy. She said all she could think was “poor girl”. I said that I what I thought too and then we all laughed. Anyway enough about him. Lucas has been going to church steadily now and even suggested we go this Friday to Good Friday service. My plan was to sleep all day but he wants to go to church. We shall see. I have a day off tomorrow which means I get to sleep all day long or until Lucas starts bugging me to wake up. Maybe I should have asked God to give me a man that liked to sleep in. He doesn’t sleep much and on top of that he gets up early even on the days he doesn’t have to work. Hopefully I will get to sleep until at least 11 tomorrow. I finally told him that I would consider marriage. I told him that he wants to spend a lifetime with me but I want to spend a lifetime and eternity with him. Eternity is longer than a lifetime and God has promised me eternity. I told him that I would not spend a lifetime with him to spend an eternity without him. In other words get it together! So needless to say that he almost fell off the bed. After all I’ve been telling him I don’t want to get married for the past year. I’m trying to be my old self again but it is so hard. He asked me to pray for us before he moves back in and I couldn’t do it. I went into shut down mode. I’ve been praying about this for a while because whenever we are having a serious discussion I go into shut down mode and can’t talk. My defenses go up and I just blank everything out. I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to do with being hurt (not by Christopher just past hurts that never healed). I have trust and power issues which lead me to shut down. I don’t want to trust anyone with me because I don’t think that anyone is fully capable of taking care of me and I don’t want to show emotion or be emotional because I am afraid that being emotional or showing emotion will make me look weak which in turn will give someone the ability to have power over me. Someone having power over me is a big issue because I don’t want to be hurt to the extent that I was hurt at one point in my life. I was so hurt at one point by one of my ex’s that I just wanted to die. I went into a depression and I built walls which go up whenever someone tries to get close to me or I feel that I am showing any emotion. It’s very scary. That is what I have been dealing with for the past month or so. I know that I have my defenses up but trying to lower them and even acknowledging them has been so difficult. I haven’t told Lucas because he will just tell me “I am Lucas not anyone else” and its true but it is also true that I need to find healing. We shall see. I think I am making some progress. It’s funny how you think you are over so many things and they don’t affect you anymore only to realize that you never did really get over them and they affect you more than you think. It’s deep man. I will keep you posted with the details and my progress.

Hi

Zoey — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:43:53 +0000

It’s been a long time. Did I tell you I’m back in school? I’m taking Graphic Design. So far I’ve been an “A” student. I can’t even draw. I did manage to draw a stick figure. I thought that was a big accomplishment. I’m still with Lucas. It’s a little over a year now. I’m having some ups and downs now. I’m trying to get rid of the emotional baggage I didn’t even realize I was still carrying. Its not easy. I’m still going to church. My apartment is almost in order. I actually have a sofa and a t.v. now oh and some bookshelves for most of my books. I’m still at the same job and no my boss isn’t dead yet. I keep hoping and praying but apparently I’m not praying hard enough. Now he brings his dog to work. His dog apparently thinks I’m his chew toy and tries to bite on me every time I walk by. Oh and did I mention that apparently I am starting to suffer from chronic hives? Yeah that’s fun too. I’ve been journaling a lot more instead of posting. I have to get better about it. We shall see. I’ll keep you posted.

Hello

Zoey — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 23:06:07 +0000

Hi Everyone,

I’m still here. I’m back in school again and things have been hectic. Still at the same job but maybe 08 will bring something new. Still with Lucas. Will keep you posted.

the fight

Zoey — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 16:00:56 +0000

So I got into an argument with Lucas yesterday. You want to know what the argument was about? First it started because I went to work dressed up yesterday and he asked me why I was dressed sexy. I told him that if I wanted to get dressed up that was my problem not his. This led to the second argument about my baking cookies. On Monday I wanted to bake cookies. I always bake for Halloween but because Christians do not celebrate Halloween I decided to bake angel cookies. Well the cookies did not come out as planned and I ended up throwing the dough away. Lucas was upset because he felt I was creating stories about what I was doing with the cookies. His basis was that I wanted to bake cookies but I told him 1. that I wanted to bake for the woman’s group 2. that I wanted to bake for the office and 3. that I wanted to bake for my mom. So he felt that I was not telling him the whole story. My reaction to this was something along the lines of “if I want to fcking bake I will fcking bake and I don’t owe you an explanation”. I asked him if it had ever occurred to him to think that maybe I wanted to bake because I am stressed and maybe I wanted to bake because this is my season of baking and maybe I wanted to bake because I f*cking felt like it. That was one half of the argument which led to the third part.

After the second argument he starts telling me that I don’t talk to him and I don’t tell him my problems. He proceeds to ask me if he is in the room while I am having a conversation does that make is eavesdropping. I told him no. Well it turns out that he was listening to my conversation with Brenda the night before about the book we are reading for church as a congregation that had to do with forgiveness. What we were talking about was the chapter and whether or not I felt I had to ask anyone for forgiveness to which I said that the only one that could possibly think I owe him an apology was my ex Javi which I have not spoken to in over 10 years. Well he assumed that I was going to call this guy and apologize and probably take him the cookies I was baking! Well my reaction to that was “if I want to apologize to someone I will f*cking apologize and it is none of your f*cking business and I don’t owe you an explanation”.

Well I left to go to the post office and he left to go do laundry. I called him to tell him I was leaving to go to the woman’s group and he asked me if I was going to go kiss him goodbye. So I go to the Laundromat where we proceed to continue with the argument. He tells me to stop yelling in the Laundromat because he does not want anyone to know our business well then don’t you f*cking think you should have waited till I came home later to continue the argument. So I left and I went to G12 and I came home after 10:30 PM. When I got home he was not home which made me think GREAT! But then he came in and we continued the argument. And we argued for about another 2 hours. Oh I should tell you that I walked out of the Laundromat and left him there.

So this argument is about how I treat him like shit! He actually said that! You had better believe I asked him to explain that one because I think up until now I have been very f*cking nice! He tells me that we don’t talk and that I only told him I love him twice and both were by mistake and that hurt his feelings. Then he continues about the f*cking cookies. He told me that I told him a whole bunch of different things and he had no idea about where I was taking the cookies because I did not have enough dough for three batches of cookies (one for girls, one for work, and one for mom). He probably assumed I was taking them to my ex as a peace offering. So I asked him about whether or not he believes me when I answer him. I told him that he asked me if I was still writing to my friend in jail and I told him no yet he continues to question me. So I told him that if he does not believe me and he second guesses me all the time then why is he with me. If I don’t take out on him the things that Christopher did to me why is he taking out on me what his exes did to him? Those trust issues come from his exes cheating on him yet I have never given him a reason to believe I am cheating on him. I told him that he did the same thing when I was talking to my ex Chewy. The conversation continued and we got back into my coming home late when I am with the woman’s group. I told him too bad get over it! What is going to happen if I get into full time ministry and I am never home? He says well we’ll talk about that if it ever happens. I told him that I would do anything God told me to do and that includes ministering. Then we talked about how I favor his daughter and not his son. Well if your f*cking son knew how to act I wouldn’t have an issue with him but for the love of God the kid won’t even say hello to me unless Lucas tells him to. I told him that he favors his son and not his daughter. His excuse is that he does not have patience and he grew up without a father so he doesn’t know how to be a father and when I told him “so” he told me I sounded like his ex! I told him that after 11 years you would think he would have a clue! This conversation lasted too long and it will continue tonight when I get home. I will continue to post later.